Rain was pouring through the roof,
Pissing with all its might:
The pupils got very wet, both
The stupid and the bright
They won’t patch the hole as
The research won’t say if it’s right.
The Head-teacher is asking if
All the data is done?
She wants to know if
She can Randomly Control everyone
“She’s a fascist!” Cry the staff!
“She thinks this will be fun!”
The school was shit as shit could be
The kids all knew it too
Want to learn? Then truant!
Or spend your lessons in the loo
No staff enjoyed working here
As they knew not what to do
The researcher and the teacher
Were walking close at hand
They wept like anything to see
Crap teaching in the land
“Why don’t people know what to do?”
“If they did t’would be grand!”
“If seven ofsted inspectors
Observed for half a year
Do you think?” the teacher said
“That they would be quite clear?”
“I doubt it,” said the researcher,
And shed a bitter tear…
“O Pupils come and learn with us,”
The teacher did beseech
“A pleasant lesson and we’ll know,
What’s the best way to teach…”
The kids all shouted out ‘paedo’!
When he offered his hand to each.
The eldest pupil looked at him,
Until finally he said:
“How much will you pay me to learn?
Nothing?” he shook his head,
“If I don’t get money to earn
I won’t get out of bed.”
Four younger pupils responded
All eager to be taught
Their coats were pressed, their lugholes washed
They’re ready to use thought
They all looked eager, clutching the pencils
They have brought.
Four other pupils followed them,
And yet another four
The thick, the smart, they came at last
And more, and more, and more
All hopping to the new free school
And pushing through the door.
The teacher and the researcher
Wondered what the hell to do
Which ones will be the control group?
And which the chosen few?
And all the little pupils stood
And waited in a queue
“The time has come,” the teacher said
“To start our random tests
Clean shoes you shits, no mobile phones
Free cabbage for you pests
In fact free school meals for you all!
You’re welcome as our guests!”
‘But wait a bit,’ the pupils cried,
And one by one they sat;
They wheezed ‘we are all out of breath
As all of us are fat’
“No hurry,” said the researcher
They thanked him for that!
“Let’s give them drugs,” the teacher said
“It’s what they chiefly need:
Shut them up for the afternoon
When on them we can feed
Now if your ready, pupils dear
We can start the deed…”
‘Drugs? We’ve all got ADHD!’
The pupils all looked sick
And opened up their mouths
‘But we are all so thick!’
“Well that’s okay,” the teacher said
And gave them all a kick
“Welcome all to our little school
You all look very nice,”
The researcher said nothing but
Basted them all in spice
“I hope you are all good learners –
learn to taste very nice…”
“Such a shame,” the teacher said
“To randomly sort by size…”
He sobbed as he sorted out
All those with the fattest thighs
He did a baseline assessment
On who ate the most pies.
“Oh pupils…” said the researcher
“You’ve had such lovely fun!
Shall we continue tomorrow?”
But answer came there none!
The pupils had all disappeared!
They’d eaten everyone…!
with grateful thanks to Lewis Carroll and to Alice, and the Oysters