The Teacher and the Researcher

                                                        walrus and carpenter



Rain was pouring through the roof,

Pissing with all its might:

The pupils got very wet, both

The stupid and the bright

They won’t patch the hole as

The research won’t say if it’s right.


The Head-teacher is asking if

All the data is done?

She wants to know if

She can Randomly Control everyone

“She’s a fascist!” Cry the staff!

“She thinks this will be fun!”


The school was shit as shit could be

The kids all knew it too

Want to learn? Then truant!

Or spend your lessons in the loo

No staff enjoyed working here

As they knew not what to do


The researcher and the teacher

Were walking close at hand

They wept like anything to see

Crap teaching in the land

“Why don’t people know what to do?”

“If they did t’would be grand!”


“If seven ofsted inspectors

Observed for half a year

Do you think?” the teacher said

“That they would be quite clear?”

“I doubt it,” said the researcher,

And shed a bitter tear…


“O Pupils come and learn with us,”

The teacher did beseech

“A pleasant lesson and we’ll know,

What’s the best way to teach…”

The kids all shouted out ‘paedo’!

When he offered his hand to each.


The eldest pupil looked at him,

Until finally he said:

“How much will you pay me to learn?

Nothing?” he shook his head,

“If I don’t get money to earn

I won’t get out of bed.” 


Four younger pupils responded

All eager to be taught

Their coats were pressed, their lugholes washed

They’re ready to use thought

They all looked eager, clutching the pencils

They have brought.


Four other pupils followed them,

And yet another four

The thick, the smart, they came at last

And more, and more, and more

All hopping to the new free school

And pushing through the door.


The teacher and the researcher

Wondered what the hell to do

Which ones will be the control group?

And which the chosen few?

And all the little pupils stood

And waited in a queue


“The time has come,” the teacher said

“To start our random tests

Clean shoes you shits, no mobile phones

Free cabbage for you pests

In fact free school meals for you all!

You’re welcome as our guests!”


‘But wait a bit,’ the pupils cried,

And one by one they sat;

They wheezed ‘we are all out of breath

As all of us are fat’

“No hurry,” said the researcher

They thanked him for that!


“Let’s give them drugs,” the teacher said

“It’s what they chiefly need:

Shut them up for the afternoon

When on them we can feed

Now if your ready, pupils dear

We can start the deed…”


‘Drugs? We’ve all got ADHD!’

The pupils all looked sick

And opened up their mouths

‘But we are all so thick!’

“Well that’s okay,” the teacher said

And gave them all a kick


“Welcome all to our little school

You all look very nice,”

The researcher said nothing but

Basted them all in spice

“I hope you are all good learners –

learn to taste very nice…”


“Such a shame,” the teacher said

“To randomly sort by size…”

He sobbed as he sorted out

All those with the fattest thighs

He did a baseline assessment

On who ate the most pies.


“Oh pupils…” said the researcher

“You’ve had such lovely fun!

Shall we continue tomorrow?”

But answer came there none!

The pupils had all disappeared!

They’d eaten everyone…!




with grateful thanks to Lewis Carroll and to Alice, and the Oysters



































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