When Push Comes To Gove: What Did He Ever Do For Us?

In forty years time weirdly unwizened old women and men will whisper over their alcopops and remember the day when Push Came To Gove and education fell into the ‘quiet years’. They will recall that in the quiet years following Gove’s sudden demise that the Nicky Morgan colouring book never sold well. One will say: “When Morgan’s name was mentioned at conferences, on inset days and in the dingy corners of staff rooms, all coffee cups and ten day old mould, no-one screamed or booed, laughed or cried, they only stared into space wondering what had happened to their favourite father figure of fun.” Another will add: “As for the voodoo Nicky Morgan pin cushion and the computer game where you could slap her across the face they failed to grab market share, apparently they were thought to be misogynistic and violence was only acceptable if Gove’s face was involved!”

“In the quiet years…” another will muse, “It was hard to get angry, not many teachers chucked their toys out of the pram when Nicky Morgan rocked it gently.” At this the ancient teachers, who will all still be teaching as they won’t get their pension until they are 94, will reminisce with a smile that: “When Gove rocked the pram many teachers would chuck themselves out with their toys, so much pent up anger and rage they felt!”  Then they will all nod and sigh: “Ah, what happy days!”

They will recall that on Tuesday 15th July 2014 many teachers got drunk, threw caution to the wind and danced in the streets. One will say, “Oh how we danced! With our top buttons undone,” to which another will add: “And our skirts slightly above the knee, this was VG day, Victory over Gove day!” A more sullen faced teacher will add: “On the 16th the hangover began. When the enemy retreats so suddenly, without even waving a white flag, the victors are denied a proper victory.”  Another will agree: “We did not know if the war was over, were there snipers or minefields hidden somewhere in the terrain that we surveyed?”

“On the 17th we settled back into our classrooms thinking that life will never be the same again. And on the 18th, for many, the Summer Holidays began…”

…”And when we returned from Padstow and Magaluf in September 2014, we settled back into our classrooms and it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. It was the best because Gove had gone and it was the worst because we no longer had one person to blame for everything that was going wrong!” Someone will say, with a tear in her eye: “We missed him! It was wondrous to be centre stage in the Gove years as it meant that education mattered, it was front page news!” “After a time we begged for him to return, remembering the camaraderie, the knowing glint in each other’s eyes when his name was mentioned.” “Can’t we have those times again was the refrain.”

“But it never happened…”

The old women and men with dyed jet black hair, botoxed expressionless faces, covered with tattoos and piercings will nod sagely and say to their fellow teachers and teach embryoers: “Ay, it was tough, but you knew where you were, you knew who the enemy was, and every ad hominem could raise a giggle.” 

And then one will say: “What did Gove ever do for us?”

And like the People’s Front of Judea they will say,

“Well there was the…

2 thoughts on “When Push Comes To Gove: What Did He Ever Do For Us?

  1. ….close encounter with the common core.

    yes but apart from the “close encounter with the common core”….what did Gove ever do for us?


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